Utah Government Considers Prohibition

By Erika Tatzeryoodge

Mmm... looks so good...

SALT LAKE CITY – And you thought the Metric System announcement was disturbing. The Utah government announced today that it is attempting to push a bill through state legislature that would see the banning of the production, distribution and sale of all kinds of alcohol throughout the state.

Governor Gary R. Herbert (R) made the announcement at a press conference earlier this afternoon.

“Alcohol is a problem that has plagued our fine state for far too long,” Herbert said. “I cannot believe it was ever legalized again after the prohibition in the 20s.”

Herbert went on to state drunk driving and promiscuity as the main “evils” caused by alcohol.

The Utah Chapter of the Booze Protection League (BPL) said they don’t understand the proposed bill.

“There is absolutely no scientific proof that alcohol increases the occurrence of drunk driving,” said Steve Wanabihr of the BPL.

Those involved in local prostitution seem to side with Wanabihr.

“I can honestly say that alcohol plays no role in my business,” said a local pimp who asked to remain nameless for fear of a drop in business. “If anything, alcohol is worse in my industry. It either makes guys impotent or makes them last too long. And either way, that means less cash for my girls and less cash for me.”

In a state that already outlaws the sale of kegs, this news still comes as somewhat of a shock to local residents.

“I was gonna have a party this weekend. Guess I’m fucked,” said Andrew Rainer of Salt Lake City.

Actually, the bill is only making the rounds at the moment with no date set for the start of the proposed prohibition.

“In that case, rock on!” added Rainier.

It appears the news has little changed everyday life in Salt Lake and Utah. It would seem that people don’t know what they got till it’s gone.

Still, the BPL is ready to put up a fight.

“I don’t think the state legislators realize how many businesses will be affected if this bill gets passed,” said Wanabihr. “The consequences will be devastating.”

While that might be true, Herbert said he has no intentions of backing down.

“Young people are fucking like crazy and then going out and driving their cars drunk and killing people,” Herbert said. “We must put an end to this.”

Many, including Wanabihr, disagree with Herbert’s justification.

“If they really wanted to stop all the ‘fucking,'” Wanabihr said, “then maybe they should think about outlawing polygamy.”