The Five Most Downloaded Apps By Prisoners

By Erika Tatzeryoodge

They threw away the key

We already know that contraband cellphones are a hot item in federal prisons. However, it has recently come to light that even very high-profile prisoners in maximum security prisons are obtaining and using cellphones.

People like Charles Manson have cellphones now, and have been using them for a while. And officials are worried that prisoners may be using the phones for criminal activities.

With all of this in mind, The Sensationalist Times visited several of the scariest maximum-security prisons in the United States. We found that the newest fad is contraband iPhones. In light of this, we surveyed many of America’s most dangerous villains in an attempt to figure out which apps prisoners love most.

In a very particular order, here they are:

1. Facebook: This one is pretty obvious. We found that most prisoners created alter egos and used their online profiles to commit grave crimes and also to let their mothers know just how long it will be before they can taste their apple pie again.

2. White Noise: Sometimes it’s just so hard to get to sleep with a thousand people in the same room as you. Because of this, White Noise’s soothing sounds are extremely popular among prisoners. The most used sound: waves crashing on the beach.

3. iHandy Flashlight: When is the best time to plan an escape? At night of course. But the lights are always out at night. That’s where iHandy Flashlight comes in. Several prisoners reported the app as being extremely useful for drawing up blueprints without the guards knowing.

4. Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars: Even prisoners have downtime. However, one might think that people who kill and steal in real life wouldn’t find it thrilling enough in a video game. They do.

5. Find My iPhone: This one was just released with Apple’s newest software update, but it has quickly become a hit with the prisoners. They use it for all sorts of things, but mainly to make sure their girlfriends and wives aren’t fucking around on them and to track down people they will exact revenge on when they get out.

Far more popular than any of those apps was porno. Obviously.