Giants Stripped Of World Series: Illegal Facial Hair

By Lance Beaudry

Whoa...wouldn't wanna mess with that beard!!

To the shock of San Franciscans and baseball fans everywhere, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced this evening that the San Francisco baseball Giants have had their recent World Series title taken away. He cited the official reason as illegal performance enhancing drugs.

“After a thorough investigation into the matter,” Selig said at a press conference held in Cooperstown, “it has been determined that four members of the Giants were found to be using performance enhancing drugs.”

Apparently, the dye used by some of the Giants players—namely Brian Wilson—on their beards contained traces of the Tatineetestees steroid. While the traces were almost negligible, Selig said they were enough to warrant the stripping of the title.

The Sensationalist Times caught up with Wilson in San Francisco and asked him to comment on the decision. He appeared to stare off into the distance for a moment. He then turned to us and fired off some nonsense that we see no just reason to print.

While subdued, reports of celebrations all over Texas have surfaced.

“Those cheaters got what they deserve!” said Jon Voip of Fort Worth. “That Brian Wilson tried to play us for a bunch of saps, and look where it got him. The trophy’s now where it belongs baby!”

Voip’s over-enthusiastic demeanor was probably due to his incorrectly believing that the Rangers are now champions by default. The truth is that Selig announced no winner for this year’s World Series. He added that the MLB and the whole baseball world should be ashamed of itself.

No one at Garnier was available to comment.

The MLB placed a league-wide two-year ban on hair coloring.