Arkansas Hit And Run Trial: First Ever ‘GPS’ Defense

By Lance Beaudry


LITTLE ROCK, AK – For the first time in history, someone is actually trying to convince a court of law that their Global Positioning System (GPS) is responsible for murder.

Hank Lloyd was brought into police custody last Thursday after having run over a 90-year-old woman with his Ford F350 at the intersection of Main Street and Belvedere Street in Orion, Arkansas. The old hag was most likely killed on impact, as her body was found completely mangled underneath the truck. Lloyd says he needs such a big truck because he owns a construction company. We think it’s because he has a small penis.

According to official testimony given by both Lloyd and his lawyer Greg Farnsworth—who, for the most part, had to speak on Lloyd’s behalf because of Lloyd’s severe stammer—Lloyd was on his way to visit a house his company was allegedly working on. He apparently didn’t know the area and so he was using his GPS.

Lloyd was driving south on Belvedere Street when he reached Main, where Belvedere ends. At this point, one must normally turn left or right. However, Lloyd’s GPS—apparently well out of date—told him to go straight, and so he did. He ran right up onto the curb pushing Ester Haggensbaum straight through the window of Ray’s Tools and Shit. He then backed out and sped off. He claims not to have known that he nailed someone.

Farnsworth is attempting a defense never before seen in U.S. history. He is claiming the combination of Lloyd’s ridiculously low IQ and his blind faith in the GPS were at fault for Haggensbaum’s death.

“My client can in no way be held accountable for the tragic events that transpired last Thursday,” an overzealous Farnsworth said today outside the Orion courthouse. “There are many stupid people out there who rely on GPSs to guide them properly to where they need to get to. If anyone’s at fault, it can only be the GPS companies.”

The Sensationalist Times spoke to Columbia University legal expert Judith Hecklehock about the trial and the defense. She thinks it’s got a shot.

“In the past we’ve seen people get off on far more ridiculous defenses,” Hecklehock said. “Hell, you could shoot up you’re whole office and say you were depressed and fed up and that you weren’t yourself and claim temporary insanity and probably get a slap on the wrist. So why not blame your GPS for mowing down an old bag? I think people and news organizations underestimate just how stupid some people are.”

If we do, we’re sorry. We believe in the benefit of the doubt.