Antarctica Awarded The 2026 World Cup

By Michael Chesterfield

Which teams are playing in this pic? I can't really make it out... Could you possibly help me in figuring it out?

ZURICH – In a decision that wasn’t all that surprising, Antarctica’s bid to host the 2026 World Cup was chosen as the winner today.

Joseph S. Blatter, President of the International Federation of Association Football (FIFA), made the announcement at a press conference this afternoon, just two days after he announced that Russia and Qatar had been awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively.

Antarctica beat out bids by El Salvador, The Christmas Islands, Estonia and French Polynesia.

“Antarctica is an up and coming continent,” Blatter said. “While there might not be that many people living there right now, we feel that the 16-year advance warning will give them plenty of time to start procreating and building stuff.”

Many around the world are concerned about how the players are going to cope with the 115° weather in Qatar. Those same people can now be concerned about how the players are going to cope with -115° weather.

But if anybody can, it’s the world’s best athletes, right?

“The human body can only endure so much,” said John Heffernan, Chief Sports Physician at Johns Hopkins. “And whether you’re the world’s most in-shape athlete or the fattest slob who hasn’t taken a step in years, nobody should be exerting themselves physically in either 115° or -115° weather.”

Thousands of those big machines they use to dry the tennis courts after a rain delay at the Grand Slams are being shipped in from Europe to help break up some of the ice and snow and turn Antarctica into a normal-looking continent.

Another process has also been undertaken to try and disperse some of the penguin population so they don’t eat the people that come to watch the World Cup.

“It’s going to take some work, but I truly believe that the World Cup in Antarctica will be one of the greatest ever,” Blatter said. “By 2026 we will have a whole new breed of soccer stars playing on a new frontier. We will, for the first time, truly be opening Antarctica’s doors to the whole world.”