Sales of Cymbalta Way Up As Tumblr Nearly Melts Down

By Erika Tatzeryoodge

I thought about cutting my wrists, but then I remembered there were drugs

The anti-depression drug Cymbalta saw its biggest day in sales in history today as popular social networking site Tumblr was shut down due to a database problem.

“There is an obvious correlation here,” said John Lohung, a pharmaceutical chemist researcher at USC. “Teenagers and their parents these days are very quick to jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to depression.

“Instead of getting second opinions they usually opt for drugs right away. And the doctors are usually more than happy to oblige… Why? Kickbacks, duh.”

The spike in sales peaked at about noon today while Tumblr was in the midst of its longest-running fail to date. The company blamed the downtime on an erroneous database cluster.

“What does that even mean?” said Richard Tambor, 26, an Arkansas native who described himself as emo, but not too much. “The only cluster word I know is clusterfuck, and that’s exactly what this is.”

Well put Dick…well put.

“Fuckin’ right I did,” replied Tambor when asked if he jumped on the Cymbalta bandwagon today. “Didn’t even have to go to my doctor’s. I got this friend Jeff…I mean James…his sister takes ‘em. We just pounded back a few of those and some Colt 45s.”

Eli Lilly, maker of Cymbalta, is denying all responsibility and placing the blame solely on the shoulders of the people at Tumblr.

“We just make drugs with really bad side effects and sell them at ridiculous prices,” said Sandra Hemingford, a spokeswoman for Eli Lilly. “What people do with Cymbalta is their own choice; we can’t control it.

“Maybe Tumblr should’ve thought of the consequences before choosing a shitty server. And maybe these kids’ parents should keep a better eye on their kids. They’re not our problem.

“In no way would we ever condone the reckless use of one of our products, and everyone here at Lilly is truly sorry that people misuse our products. But it’s more money for us, right?”

Indeed.

Tumblr is a blogging platform on which users can post stupid pictures, videos and quotes of themselves so that complete strangers can feel like their lives are worth something when really no one gives a fuck and you’re just wasting your time and you should be out there doing something productive with your life.

Emo kids have long been the main users of anti-depression drugs even if the pharmaceutical companies’ commercials try and lead you to believe it’s old people.

These eyeliner wearing children have also popularized a more violent form of forgetting their sorrows in cutting their wrists. However, incidents of this act surprisingly did not rise as Tumblr fell.

“I thought about it for sec, but realized that drugs were probably the safer way to go,” said Tambor, talking about slashing his wrists.

Hopefully everything will go back to normal now that Tumblr seems to be working its way back online and has promised users that none of their content has been lost.

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