OMG!! Fortune 500s To Give Bonuses

By Michael Chesterfield

NEW YORK – In a move that has people who know nothing about business or finance begging Obama to “do something about it,” all 500 of the Fortune 500 companies have announced that they are giving out bonuses this year.

The announcement was made today at the New York Stock Exchange by a spokeswoman chosen by the Fortune 500.

The companies had apparently colluded and decided not to tell the press about the decision, but, as usual, some low-level rat figured he would risk it all and leak the information.

And guess what? Now he’s in the hospital and we know exactly who he is.

“I didn’t think it was fair and I thought the world ought to know,” said John Whittier, an internal mail carrier for JP Morgan Chase. “Us at the bottom work our asses off just to make ends meet and get nothing extra for Christmas while the fat cats get like a cool mill; it ain’t fair.”

Whittier alleged that he was ambushed while walking to his car after work the day before yesterday.

After the press found out about the bonuses, the companies saw no other option but to come clean.

“I don’t really think it’s that big of a deal,” said Jane Ubitski, that chosen spokeswoman. “Does anybody really think we wouldn’t be giving out bonuses? This is capitalism people.”

And I guess that just about sums it up.

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