Nerds To Finally Get Laid: ‘Real Sex’ To Be Released For The Wii

By Michael Chesterfield

Mmmm.... Wii Sex....

LOS ANGELES – Larry Flynt Productions has announced a partnership with Nintendo and will be releasing the much-anticipated video game “Real Sex” in early 2011.

The production company, which is an offshoot of Larry Flynt Publications, the publishers of Hustler Magazine, made the announcement today at a press conference in Hollywood.

“It really is about time that something like this comes along,” said Larry Flynt, owner of both Larry Flynt enterprises. “I know many people have been trying to get something like this going for a while now, and I’m just glad that Nintendo finally opened their eyes to the amazing potential this has, and I’m really glad they decided to partner with us.”

Indeed, this isn’t the first attempt at a sex game. Just this week Microsoft put the kibosh on a sex game being developed for Kinect for the XBOX. Microsoft announced that the game, which is being developed by Austria-based ThriXXX, would never make it to the console.

Nintendo, however, has decided to forego dignity, decency and a sense of responsibility toward children and give the green light to Real Sex.

“There are already games rated R out there,” said Takimo Haritashi, spokesman for Nintendo. “Violence and bad language are already very prevalent in many video games. And sex really isn’t a new topic either. Grand Theft Auto combines all three. So I don’t really know what people are upset about.”

It might have something to do with the fact that Flynt has also partnered with Fleshlight, the company that makes fake vaginas. Those who play Real Sex will get to penetrate a remote control vagina while pretend-fucking a girl on screen. The virtual girl will react correspondingly to the player’s thrusting motions.

There is currently no option of selecting a female character or having sex with a man. This doesn’t seem to be causing much of a stir as even female nerds can get laid in real life.

So far the game is only planned to come with a single-player mode. And while nerds are salivating at the thought of fucking a computer, many were hoping for a multiplayer mode, whereby they could fuck other nerds through a machine while making themselves look much better on screen then they actually do.

Flynt said the reason for the no multiplayer mode was technological hindrances involving the need for a female character and an agreement with a dildo manufacturer. This author thinks the more plausible explanation is that a multiplayer mode might encourage cheating among non-nerds who actually have girlfriends.

This raises an interesting question. Would fucking a Fleshlight or dildo while pretending it’s the genitalia of the person who’s simultaneously fucking their Nintendo Wii constitute cheating?