Controversial New Anti-Erection Drug Approved By FDA For Over-The-Counter Sale
By Lance Beaudry
World-renowned drug maker Pfizer announced today that the Food and Drug Administration have officially okayed their newest erection pill. Only this one doesn’t help with erectile dysfunction, it does the exact opposite.
Diagra, as the new drug is so aptly named, quite literally kills an erection. The pharmaceutical company said the new drug is aimed at those young men who just can’t seem to keep it in their pants.
“So often young men in serious relationships find themselves in situations in which their loyalty is put to the test,” said Dietrich Frauliebhaber, spokesman for Pfizer International. “This new pill will help them greatly with keeping faithful to their significant others.”
Frauliebhaber went on to explain specific instances in which Diagra would be very useful.
“For example, let’s say that a young man is attending a party while his girlfriend is at home studying for finals. Inevitably the young man will find himself in a situation at this party in which he is face to face and genitals to genitals with a very attractive female who is not his girlfriend.
“Should he feel himself losing control and that cheating is imminent, all he has to do is pop a Diagra and in less than two minutes all blood flow to his penis will be halted. The sexiest supermodel could be standing right in front of him begging him to ram her and nothing would work.”
Frauliebhaber got so excited while explaining the new drug, one wondered whether he should consider using it himself.
Diagra will enter mass-production immediately and should be available by February in almost every pharmacy in the States.
In a controversial move, the FDA approved Diagra for over-the-counter sale. This is almost unheard of and the news has met with some detractors.
“This is incredibly stupid,” said Raymond Dykdawkter, a urologist in Queens. “People are going to misuse this drug in every manner possible. Kids will try it just for fun. Wives will use it to make sure their husbands don’t pester them for sex. If you can imagine it, Diagra will be used for it. It really needs to be made prescription only.”
The FDA doesn’t see it that way.
“We’ve made it over-the-counter because we really sympathize with the average young guy,” said Harold Knowfon, spokesman for the FDA. “Sometimes you really wanna stay true, but you just can’t help it with a seriously hot bitch in front of you.
“We did this one for the girlfriends.”